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Thoughts on the Throne (Ep. 501)

#GameofThronesBack

501 “The Wars to Come” 

Not sure where they found the young lady that plays Cersei in the flashback opener, but she channels the same mannerisms and acidity that Lena Headey brings to the role. If she was of legal drinking age, I wouldn’t be able to tell the two Cersei’s apart.

As if seeing Joffrey’s orders to have all of the royal bastards murdered (even the younglings!) in season two wasn’t evidence enough, the soothsayer from Cersei’s recollection saying she would have three children while the king would have 20 is proof-positive: Robert was putting in that work.

Not a lot of good news is going to come from someone requiring blood sacrifices from children

Not a lot of good news is going to come from someone requiring blood sacrifices from children

Varys has an odd habit of shipping non-traditional live cargo to and from Essos. That is literally a lot of shit pushed through air holes and thrown overboard. Though something tells me the wizard that castrated young Varys was left to stew in his own waste.

Tyrion's not trying to hear anything before getting a drink in him...Or after.

Tyrion’s not trying to hear anything before getting a drink in him…Or after.

Less than 15 minutes into the season and we get hit with the first bit of nudity. Game of Thrones gon’ Game of Thrones, ya’ll.

The Unsullied visiting brothels for cuddles is like going to McDonald’s and ordering a salad: you’re doing it wrong. Also, peep how the prostitute got them coins from White Rat before snuggling and getting him killed. She’s professional if nothing else.

This standing over your bed? Nightmare fuel

This standing over your bed? Nightmare fuel

“SAM.  DON’T LET THEM SEND US AWAY!” For someone who can’t swing a sword and thinks books are magic, Gilly is mighty pushy about taking up residence at Castle Black. She might still have a place to live if the other sister/daughter/wives hadn’t burned down the Keep out of spite.

Seeing Janos Slynt’s smug effin’ face appear alongside Ser Alliser (they both survived?!) made me want to shoot my TV like ED-209 when he lit up that OCP executive in the boardroom demo scene in “Robocop.”

The young Night’s Watchman that killed Ygritte may have just hit puberty, but his extra-sensory bitch perception was developed enough to recoil when the Red Woman appeared behind Jon.

Speaking of, Melisandre asking Jon if he was a virgin was a bit rude and creepy. He should have countered by asking her age, or if red was her natural hair color. Or if perhaps she’d ever expelled a demonic shadow facsimile of Stannis born of adultery out of her vagina to commit regicide? Ya know, since we’re being forward and all.

Stannis Baratheon is what happens when your asshole Jason Statham-wannabe assistant manager gets a promotion, a new red-haired girlfriend and diagnosed with Stage IV wackness.

Funniest Politically Incorrect Moment of the Season (so far): Lord Royce on Robin Arryn: “He swings a sword like a girl with palsy.” I mean, damn.

"I'm here to state an obvious fact offensively."

“I’m here to state an obvious fact offensively.”

Hey, Game of Thrones, can we stop with the coincidental near-misses in this, the year of our Lord, 2015? Arya late to the Red Wedding was tragic. Bran not getting to Jon at Craster’s AND in the tower were frustrating. This latest thing, though? An affront. I feel like someone in the writers’ room thought that transition from Podric and Brienne to Baelish’s carriage was “soooo clever. hehe.” What it actually was, was tiresome. I feel like Brienne needs to hurry and meet a certain hard-hearted individual to give this quest some direction.

Lancel Lannister…This guy reminds me of that crackhead cousin that got two years in prison for dumb crackhead antics and came out with Jesus, more muscles and a glassy gleam of fanaticism in his eyes. I was expecting him to ask Cersei for five bucks. He helped kill King Robert by plying him with wine on the tragic boar hunt back in season 1? Noooo, you don’t say…

I can’t explain exactly how excited I am for the verbal martial arts and wits that will be on display by Tyrion and Varys this year. Getting a much clearer picture of what it means to serve the realm through the machinations of The Spider.

Only good can come of this union

Only good can come of this union

You ever see those weak, shitty parents in the grocery store bargaining with screaming children while they get cursed out and kicked in the jaw by their progeny? If you have, then you know how much it pained me to see Daenerys look powerless and confused in the face of her dragons. And before anyone chimes in with “she’s a tiny woman, those are nearly grown dragons,” I’ll remind you she is descended from Aegon and Valyria. She’s supposed to have the Cesar Milan pimp hand on Viserion and Rhaegal.

The equivalent of  your child yelling at you in the store

The equivalent of your child yelling at you in front of company

I wonder how putting Mance Rayder out of his misery will hurt Jon during Stannis’ occupation of the Wall. Needed to be done, though, as he was clearly terrified and didn’t deserve that death. I will say Mance really should’ve gotten off his high horse if for nothing more than his people’s benefit. Principles and pride are cool and all, but let’s not forget he’s gone back on his word and vows before when he defected from the Night’s Watch. We call that precedent, guys.

This brave face was betrayed by a frightened  hot step dance

This brave face was betrayed by a frightened hot step dance

The Buddha has spoken.